Mingled

There is an appointed time for everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1

There's a promise in Revelation of a time when there will be no mourning. I can't really wrap my head around that. I can't separate joy from sorrow, beauty from loss. What would sunshine be like without the shadows? What would satisfaction be like without hunger? Would moments still feel so precious if time were without end?

It's been a good week for us. Big things have happen for both of our careers. Things are more settled than they have been in years. But those doors blowing wide open also means other doors slamming shut, at least for now. And I'm happy and sad and excited and grieving. In this life, we can only walk in one direction at once. And that means that any choice we make removes other choices. 

The human brain is a funny thing. We don't like making choices and watching options disappear. And so we try to walk between as many options as we can - until we often run out of choices entirely and are left with something we call fate or providence. Or we make choices and then look backwards to analyze the other ways we could have gone, the other paths we ought to have taken. Or we try to force things that aren't options at all.

I love where I am and all the choices (and non-choices) that have brought me here. It is good. We worked really hard to make this life. At the same time, I am mourning other lives I could have lived. I ache for the doors that refused to open even as I celebrate the possibilities stretching ahead. I want to be here, but I want to be in Nashville too. Or Ohio or Portland. I want to be with the people and places I love, from the comfort of my home. I want it all and life just doesn't work that way.

There may be a time when there are no more tears, but for now, life is fragile and time is fleeting and even the big victories are tinged with loss. The spectrum of emotions is so rich and complex and often conflicting. We celebrate and mourn at the same time, we feel pain and pleasure jumbled up together. I'm learning to give myself permission to feel it all. The complexity is part of the beauty. The sense of loss isn't competing with the overwhelming sense of gratitude. It's all just a part of the tapestry of life.

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What I'm listening to: Raise a Hallelujah by Bethel Music

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me
I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee
I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery
I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me!

This is one of those songs that came along at the moment I needed it, right in the middle of the mystery. Again, that duality speaks to this part of my journey. Choosing praise despite a lack of understanding. Choosing faith in the midst of fear.

What I'm reading: Story Genius by Lisa Cron

We don't turn to story to escape reality. We turn to story to navigate reality.

I really, really wanted to like this one more than I did. Stories and brain science! Be still, my nerdy little heart! But I had trouble connecting to her tone. I still gained some insight, but not as much as I was hoping for.

What I'm watching: Murder Mystery

"It's just like Death in the Library."
"What happened in Death in the Library?"
"They died. That's why it's called Death in the Library."

Adam Sandler, references to Agatha Christie, every mystery cliche and stereotype possible. It's silly and fluffy and irreverent. A perfect Friday night movie to watch with a couple of beers and pizza.