Unearned

Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths,
Where the good way is, and walk in it;
And you will find rest for your souls.
Jeremiah 6:16

I started yesterday with a to-do list jotted on the back of a receipt (those mile-long CVS receipts ought to be good for something). A weekend filled with celebrations left me with a head full of ideas and no time to release them. Once I completed these tasks, I'd be able to unwind and do something I enjoy. Blog. Write. Garden. Maybe read or spend extra time on my devotional.

I ended my day at 11:11pm with every item checked off and no sense of accomplishment. Despite the busyness, despite the extra tasks that never even made it onto the list, I ended the day feeling like time had slipped through my hands like so much sand and I'd done nothing to earn the leisure I craved.

Earned.

I settled into bed with that idea lazing around my brain.

Earned.

Why do we feel like we need to earn the right to rest? Why does it feel indulgent to do things we can't check off a to-do list or quantify with billable hours? Why does rest only come after?

Today I wait. All my industry yesterday means today I wait. For emails to be answered. For photos to be received. For appointments to be confirmed. For mail to be picked up. I still feel like there's more I must do before I can dig into the fun stuff.

But there's always more. There will always be emails to answer and phone calls to make and dishes to wash and laundry to fold and job leads to follow and papers to be filed. 

Time moves on. I can't earn more. I can't buy or borrow or beg more. This is the time I have and I want to use it wisely. Sometimes that means rest.

Time to think and feel and dream is unearned. Time to rebuild and strengthen myself, to spend on things that feed my heart and soul, can't be gained by busyness. Deep breaths and deeper reflection don't need to be stolen from between more important tasks. 

Because the rhythms of work and rest are both important tasks. And instead of losing minutes to the screen in my hand, numbing my heart and mind with a pleasant hum of distraction, I want to engage in rest. I want to be active and present in the things that restore me. 

Maybe that means the to-do list remains undone. Maybe that means saying no to good things. Maybe that means greater discipline. But it doesn't mean I have to earn it. 

Rest is give to me and it's given to you. Walk in the good way and find it.

---

What I'm listening to: Iron Lung by Martin Smith

My father made a deal with God
And then he left me stranded in the arms of love
You took my breath away
So I would learn to need You

I love the tension in this song. The idea of letting go balanced with the truth that we never had any control to let go of.

What I'm reading: The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis

"You know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you've been disappointed so often before."

I've read the entire Chronicles of Narnia at least eight times through, but I've never read them with my youngest so we started back at the beginning. She's convinced that Polly is a very funny name, while Digory is perfect normal.

What I'm watching: The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

Everything's not awesome
Things can't be awesome all of the time
It's not realistic expectation
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try
To make everything awesome
In a less likely, unrealistic kind of way
We should maybe aim for not bad
'Cause not bad, well that would be real great

My oldest turned 9 on Friday and celebrated with a movie night with his school buddies. I had eight kiddos piled onto the couch, completely enraptured. Through several acts of kindness, we had a popcorn maker, pizza and the Redbox rental gifted to him. It's really beautiful to see all the people in my boy's life wrap around him and join in celebrating who he is growing up to be.